It took me ten long years to reach the point of forgiveness for the man I was married to for molesting my children. The one I had trusted my treasures to, to nuture, protect and take care of. After I found out, the rage and hate I felt was all-consuming for me. I lived it and breathed it everyday. I didn’t think I would ever get free from it, but with God’s grace I finally did.
I still clearly remember that first night after I found out. As I climbed into bed and began to pray for my children the Lord said clearly to me, pray for him. I said back, “pray for him, I want to light the fire under him to burn for eternity.” Again He said “pray for Him.” I said I will, but I don’t mean it! I did this for the longest time and finally over time a very slow change took place in me. It did not change anything in him, only me. I finally realized it was releasing me from the hate that had been all-consuming. I chose not to carry through with what I really wanted to do to him because of what my youngest said to me that day, “I have never had a Daddy, please don’t take my Mommy from me!” This was after I had stated clearly he is a dead man! I knew then if I did this time I would be hurting them.
Then it took me even longer to forgive myself for not knowing or seeing it and being so naive, blind and trusting. Never did I anticipate he could or would do something so evil and demented! I had worked third shift for a total of 15 years which unfortunately gave him so much opportunity.
It was the most painful journey of my life that I would not wish on anyone. If it had not been for the Lord and some praying friends I would have never survived it and neither would he have! I literally fought the overwhelming urge to murder him for the better part of that time. When I reached the point of forgiveness it was so freeing. No, I did not nor do not want him in my life anymore. He is still as toxic as ever. The Lord is so merciful and the grace He pours out on us is unending and amazing.
I look at my children and see the damage done in each of them. There are long term effects that in turn have impact on relationships and health in children who have endured this. In spite of my failure to protect them, they are amazing people who have giving hearts. The price they paid for his sin and perversion is unreal. In spite of it all they are wonderful people. I contine to pray healing in every area of their lives over them.
I wish people would realize the damage done to so many children from this scourge. It numbers in the millions! It has to break God’s heart that any of His creation would be a part of something so evil and vile. It breaks my heart. It is so rampant all over the world.
What is it that brings a person to do something so perverse to the most innocent among us? How can anyone get pleasure out of what is so despicable! Man’s inhumanity to man!
Lord I pray you bring them to that place of total and true repentance. Let justice be served. Bring this country to repentance! We have drifted so far off base from You. Pierce our hearts for what breaks Yours.
Bring this country to where we cherish and appreciate all life. We have lost our awe for Your creation and our fear of you. Shake us until we come to repentance and realize a coming judgement is at the door!
Collosians 3:25 – For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done and there is no partiality.
Romans 12:19 – “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengence is mine, I will repay, says the Lord,”
God Bless, Karen