The Journey of Forgiving

It took me ten long years to reach the point of forgiveness for the man I was married to for molesting my children.  The one I had trusted my treasures to, to nuture, protect and take care of.  After I found out, the rage and hate I felt was all-consuming for me.  I lived it and breathed it everyday.  I didn’t think I would ever get free from it, but with God’s grace I finally did.

I still clearly remember that first night after I found out.  As I climbed into bed and began to pray for my children the Lord said clearly to me, pray for him.  I said back, “pray for him, I want to light the fire under him to burn for eternity.”  Again He said “pray for Him.”  I said I will, but I don’t mean it!  I did this for the longest time and finally over time a very slow change took place in me.  It did not change anything in him, only me.  I finally realized it was releasing me from the hate that had been all-consuming.  I chose not to carry through with what I really wanted to do to him because of what my youngest said to me that day, “I have never had a Daddy, please don’t take my Mommy from me!” This was after I had stated clearly he is a dead man!  I knew then if I did this time I would be hurting them.

563146_10150621069987811_825946059_nThen it took me even longer to forgive myself for not knowing or seeing it and being so naive, blind and trusting.  Never did I anticipate he could or would do something so evil and demented!  I had worked third shift for a total of 15 years which unfortunately gave him so much opportunity.

It was the most painful journey of my life that I would not wish on anyone.  If it had not been for the Lord and some praying friends I would have never survived it and neither would he have!  I literally fought the overwhelming urge to murder him for the better part of that time.  When I reached the point of forgiveness it was so freeing.  No, I did not nor do not want him in my life anymore. He is still as toxic as ever.  The Lord is so merciful and the grace He pours out on us is unending and amazing.

I look at my children and see the damage done in each of them. There are long term effects that in turn have impact on relationships and health in children who have endured this.  In spite of my failure to protect them, they are amazing people who have giving hearts.  The price they paid for his sin and perversion is unreal.  In spite of it all they are wonderful people.  I contine to pray healing in every area of their lives over them.

I wish people would realize the damage done to so many children from this scourge.  It numbers in the millions!  It has to break God’s heart that any of His creation would be a part of something so evil and vile.  It breaks my heart.  It is so rampant all over the world.

What is it that brings a person to do something so perverse to the most innocent among us?  How can anyone get pleasure out of what is so despicable! Man’s inhumanity to man!

Lord I pray you bring them to that place of total and true repentance.  Let justice be served.  Bring this country to repentance!  We have drifted so far off base from You.  Pierce our hearts for what breaks Yours.

Bring this country to where we cherish and appreciate all life.  We have lost our awe for Your creation and our fear of you.  Shake us until we come to repentance and realize a coming judgement is at the door!

Collosians 3:25 – For the wrongdoer will be paid back for the wrong he has done and there is no partiality.

Romans 12:19 – “Beloved, never avenge yourselves, but leave it to the wrath of God, for it is written, “Vengence is mine, I will repay, says the Lord,”

God Bless, Karen

 

 

 

 

 

fo

PERSPECTIVE

Take ten people watching the same thing happen and you have ten different descriptions!  Why, because how each of us view things also encompasses the way we have learned and the experiences we have had happen along the way.  Sometimes even the angle we saw it gives us a different view of it.

Yet, because of our differences, structure of news available to us, we quickly judge and have an opinion on it.  Yes, I have been guilty of this also.  None of us are immune to it.  It would help if we would slow down and take the time to learn the real facts in a situation first.  Many that give out information to us in this day and age have a definite agenda and will color it to fit that agenda or even outright lie.  There seems to be little integrity or honor in our journalism anymore.

Integrity, honesty, and honor does not seem to exist in our government either.  It is not only sad, but sickening!  That will not change until men’s heart change. We need to research those running for office and then vote with integrity ourselves and not just listen to what they say on the campaign trail!  They look straight into the camera and lie in the process.

washington-d-c-statue-sculpture-the-peace-monument-62318.jpegOur Founding Fathers set up safeguards for us but we have to be willing to follow them.  I wonder, do most people today even really know and understand what our Constitution and Bill of Rights say?  Tragically even many in our government do not!  I hear them call us a Democracy.  We are a Constitutional Republic!  A nation of laws.  History is not even taught in our schools anymore.  No wonder children can be so easily led.

It takes time and a lot of effort to change any of this.  We have far too many IGNORANT of the truth including politicians!  We need to quit just thinking of ourselves, but also those generations that follow us!

The name calling and putting people in catagories to fit demeaning them and belittling their beliefs need to stop.  We have decended to such meaness and nastiness and it is getting us nowhere except further separated and apart, polarizing us from each other!

It is way past times to take a hard look and begin to work towards healing the divide.  It is a matter of perspective!  Doing what is right for our country.  Each of us can work on turning things around in our own sphere of influence.  It is not hopeless!

Perspective is a particular attitude toward or way of regarding somethimg; a point of view, outlook, angle, frame of mind, reference, or interpretation.  We can each personally work on ours.  I am, how about you?

Romans 8:37 – “No, in all things we are conquerors through Him who loved us.”

God Bless, Karen

 

All The Rooms of My Heart

The heart is a unique organ. Designed and created by our Heavenly Father with a specific purpose and use. Yes, it is a vital part of our physical anatomy and moves the lifeblood through our bodies which in turn feeds the other vital organs that all work together and give us life!

But that is only one part of it. We were designed and created to use our heart to  share God’s love with others. To be a reflection of His love and for our heart to be a vessel for Him to pour through for humanity’s sake.

There are many rooms in my heart. Some were with windows and doors wide open. Others with doors shut and yes, in the past with doors locked and sealed. Bit by bit and piece by piece those doors have been unlocked and opened with God’s light, love and redemption pouring in.  No longer hidden away in secret from the world and myself.

29499_1129529094230_6096367_nThe journey has been long and has taken 76 years but is also a testament to the enduring grace, mercy, and love of My Savior. He has lovingly walked alongside of me each step of the way.  It has been a long process that was at times painful, hard, and unrelenting.  There were also times that were joyful, fun, enlightening, and delightful too!

He has designed me as I am for a purpose, to be used in His Kingdom. I have reached the place (not without at times a struggle) I can and have embraced it fully.

As I move forward into the future, there are things He has laid on my heart to do and that is what I am determined to do by His grace and the leading of the Holy Spirit.

As I enter into His Presence He fills me with a peace and a knowing that cannot and will not be interupted. The deeper I go with Him, the sweeter and more peaceful my life becomes on the inside, even though it can be raging all around me on the outside.

The world as we see it today is groaning and raging in sin and pain, longing on the inside for peace, love, acceptance and security. As a daughter of the King, I am a vessel for Him to pour through and to reach out to those who are lost in sin.  But by His grace and mercy, there go I!

It is a new day to move into my future and I look forward to it.  Time is short, the harvest is plenty and I need to be about My Father’s business.

I challenge you now also to give thought to what God my be calling you to.  Think about it!

Matthew 6:21 – For where your treasure is, there your heart will be also.

God Bless Grams

 

 

Choices and Consequences

Choosing to change is how we honor the Lord and what He is calling us to be. Choosing a path of change is declaring war on the past.

When we acknowledge the reality of past abuse we enter into the battle itself. Breaking those bonds on the soul does not happen quickly. The problem is not resolved until it is first faced!

Shame lurks as a powerful enemy to a damaged soul that is already gasping for life. The mere discussion of it can awaken the undealt with shame in others.

sunset-hands-love-woman.jpgOnly our Creator can see the beauty that remains under the load of shame and sin. The fabric of life needs to be unraveled piece by piece as the Master reweaves it to His design.

Someone who has not lived with abuse has no idea the damage that is done to the soul, mind, emotions and secondary effect on the physical body and reactions when responding to situations that trigger a person. Don’t judge, when you have not lived it!

Even within a family that has lived it there are different levels of healing and ways to deal with it. Some are healthy and some are destructive and damaging. A person cannot give to others what they do not have in themselves to give. They are not being selfish, they do not have it within themselves. An empty vessel cannot pour out what is not there.

People who have been abused may ask why God  allowed it to happen. It was NEVER God’s choice for it to happen, but again we each have a free will  and therefore a choice. The perpetrator also had a choice. The Lord does not take that lightly!

People do not stop and think, that in making choices you do not have control over the consequences! Many times those consequences are ones that we never imagined to have to pay! And worse yet, ones we love will have to pay for our choices made unwittingly! It touches every area of our lives. We do not go through life without it.

In choosing to heal my faith in Jesus has taken me through rough waters, raging storms. and fire I would never have imagined. This  has been and is an ongoing process.

I have a solid foundation in Him and no one can take it from me! It is and has been hard and painful at times. One step at a times going forward into the future until someday He calls me home and the healing is total and complete.

Do You See Me?

I have no position, no great talent have I.

I walked through your doors, I wanted to try.

The church seemed inviting, so pretty and nice.

Yet do they see me? It’s a throw of the dice.

I feel so alone, unnoticed or seen.

pexels-photo-206563.jpeg

They speak of a man on whom I can lean.

Do I see any difference in them and the world?

If they can’t even see me, like a flag unfurled.

If I comeback will they notice or ignore me again.

I hear them make statements and yes, shout, “Amen!”

I hear of the prophets, unlikely were they.

Called by God to follow His way.

Is this the church that His Word, talked about?

How they served Him, I don’t know there’s a doubt.

I may try again just in case I am wrong.

I yearn for a place I can say I belong.

Lord, if your real, please help me to see.

This is the place that will help me find me.

A child who is lost, bewildered and bound.

I’m told that You love me, in You I’ll be found.

A love that surpasses all of my sins.

And covers my failures, frees me to win.

Life everlasting with You evermore.

When someday I’m called home, to Heaven’s shore.

 

One Step At A Time

pexels-photo.jpgLike the ocean, life is an endless flow of happenings. It is for us what we make of it and our attitude we take at what it throws at us. Healing is also a series of steps we need to take to get through the dark places and helps us walk into the light that God provides to show us the way to freedom. It is a process that at times is painful and not easy but so worth it in the end.

Into the New Year…!

pexels-photo-327509.jpegI have struggled with a couple things for a long time and this is the year to change that. It is within my ability to do if I am willing to do the hard work to get there. An adventure I am willingly taking on. One step at a time.

I have found those things we have to work for we do not look at carelessly and not really appreciate. I look forward to learning some things about myself in this adventure. Come along with me and you might too!